Am I allowed to cry?
Life after losing someone is extremely different; often, when we lose someone, we can get trapped in despair for an extended period of time. After losing someone, we may feel as if we’ve lost half of ourselves; in reality, it’s not uncommon for us to have lost ourselves for a long time, so losing someone is even more similar to losing ourselves.
Losing someone who is often a part of our everyday lives is difficult; the up-and-down phase that initially feels like loss is a necessity eventually turns into regret. It is not uncommon for some people to believe that it is preferable to lose yourself while still with him than to lose themselves totally alone. When we lose someone, I believe there must be an initial period of regret, wondering why and how. However, there will be times when feeling lost is necessary, and those ups and downs will always follow us, wherever we go and whenever we do.
Why do we never learn to accept a loss? We are frequently taught as children to respond exclusively to positive things, but we are rarely taught to respond when something unpleasant occurs, such as losing someone. When we are young, we are frequently given gifts, surprises, and other pleasant things. We are often complacent about these pleasant things but rarely prepare for when things out of our control occur.
We are perplexed about how to respond when we are sad, how to respond when we lose someone, and how to step when we lose ourselves. We sometimes become complacent about nice things without considering the possibility of tragic things happening.
Since I was a child, I was frequently banned from crying when I experienced something that wounded or disappointed me. I was not taught how to deal with sadness and disappointment, nor was I taught how to accept that many things in our lives are beyond our control and that we do not want to happen. When we are dissatisfied, upset, or injured, we frequently wonder if it is alright to cry. Is it OK to be disappointed? Is it acceptable to despise your current existence?
Most people encourage us not to grieve too much, to be more patient, to take another step gently, to try this and that, but in reality, we do not receive adequate direction, and there is no provision for us to try again. I sometimes wonder if I can cry when I experience anything awful; after all, I was taught not to cry since I was a youngster, so how can I deal with sadness? Losing someone made my life chaotic, damaged, and I lost myself. I’m not sure how to move on, or how to let go.
My sadness won’t bring him back, won’t make him change, and won’t repair our relationship, so is it still acceptable for me to feel sad? Perhaps losing someone is necessary if staying with him causes us to lose ourselves even more, but what if I’ve lost him and myself to the point where I no longer recognise myself? Is it better for me to be with him and lose myself, or to lose him and lose myself even more?
I often wonder if I will regret my decision to leave this relationship. Is it okay to think about what my relationship would be like if it hadn’t ended? But I neglect to think about how much worse my life would have been if I had stayed with him. What if I stay with him and continue to fall apart?
Perhaps I’d rather lose myself now than remain with him and not recognise myself.